I thought I would write an honest post on the subject. Only because as I get older the topic seems to come up more and more. Just the other day, I was hanging out with some extended family. I was holding my cousin's baby for the first time (she was just born little less then a month ago) and as I was holding her another one of my cousins made THE COMMENT. You know the comment!!! "When are you getting one?" Now of course in a different universe, I would already be a stay at home mom with a brood of twelve or so, but in my actual universe that is not even close to happening. So here it is, what I have been dreading to say out loud for quite some time. Relationships freak me out! In the way where you know you once found an ant crawling up your leg and then the whole time afterwards you keep feeling like ants are crawling up your legs, and arms and then face until you have full on panic attack. Sort of like a phantom limb, but not as severe. But through this fear of commitment I think I have now developed what they call, Anuptaphobia.
So what does one do if they have a fear of relationships and a fear of being single? I mean that is one big bit of irony. That I cannot help but laugh at. But seriously, what does one do? Eat more ice cream? Watch classic black-white films on TCM until she has seen them all (which in the last few days, I think I am close to doing)?
Now it may not seem like a big deal, but lets look at the following facts: I’ve been single since 2006 (I’ve had flings here and there, but when I think of a long term, give and take type of relationship…then yes, 2006). That’s 8 years…almost a decade. And saying that out loud is embarrassing. I still think about that ex, not because I loved him, but because I miss what it feels like to be held, to be cuddled with, to be someone’s whole world…I miss that and fear that all at the same time. I say I want to be alone, but I think I’ve been alone for so long that I have convinced myself that I’m not good enough.
And as I get older and my Facebook is filled with engagements and marriages I tend to think that I took the road most traveled. Why not try the many dating sites, you might ask?
I have tried…
And I have not gotten a "bite," and once that starts to happen then you begin to think that something is wrong with you. I don't like that feeling, so then I take a break from those sites. The one silver lining is that I am moving back to the city, because living in CT did not help. I am not saying that once I go back to the city I will meet the love of my life (because frankly it's not going to happen with my busy work schedule), but it might just help with getting rid of one phobia that Xanax won't fix.
So in the world of my single life. I will be sure to keep you posted.
Talk to you soon,